Bittersweet

     This is Samantha James, a character from the movie Just Friends.  One of her quirky songs includes the following wise lyrics:

Forgiveness,
Is more than saying sorry
Forgiveness,
Means accepting peoples flaws

Forgiveness,
Does not mean compromising

      I've been procrastinating in writing the blog because in all honesty, I haven't been living it.  I've been stewing on it for almost 3 weeks now.  It is the second part of a previous blog I wrote about rejoicing.  In the same study where Matt Chandler encourages us to rejoice in ALL circumstances, he also reminded me that forgiveness is a HUGE factor in my life.

     First of all, there are too many of you to seek out personally, but I have been harboring so much bitterness and anger about a few situations in my own life, that I have forgotten what it means to be a good friend, a good servant and just a nice person in general.  I need your forgiveness.

     I have had to forgive people lately who haven't even asked for forgiveness.  Let me tell you.  Setting down my HUGE pride problem and saying, "I release my bitterness and anger towards you and what you did to me" is NOT easy!  BUT, with the Lord's help, walking in forgiveness daily is an amazing journey.

     Now I'm not saying I'm perfect and I will never mess up again or even require forgiveness myself.  I'm saying that the choice to forgive those who, from our own perspective, don't deserve forgiveness, is a freeing experience.  Some wrongs that may have been done to you might include theft, pain, emotional abuse, gossip, loss of relationship.  It is natural to nurse our own wounds and want pity from everyone around us.  But the Lord provides a way out of that desert of loneliness through forgiveness.

     Wow, this has really taken a turn away from where I was going, but that's okay.  Let me share some quotes I wrote down during bible study to end this entry.

"The God of the Universe is not showing up late or out of control."

"He did not rescue me to destroy me"

"Lean on the reality that He was there when I felt betrayed."

Second Chances

     At 25, I still enjoy, nay, LOVE watching VeggieTales movies.  They are cleverly written and each one carries with it a great gem of knowledge we should all take with us.
     We all know the story of Jonah, the prophet of the Lord who refuses the Lord's call to Nineveh, a city of folks who are just plain mean.  In refusing to deliver the Lord's message of repentance, Jonah flees in the opposite direction of Nineveh, only to be swallowed by a giant fish!  After 3 days, Jonah repents for not being obedient and the Lord spares him.  Jonah delivers the message to Nineveh, but doesn't truly believe it in his heart; he feels the Lord should deal out punishment on the "bad guys," not mercy and  compassion.
     Sometimes we lose sight of the big picture in our own lives.  We know the Lord is calling us into a certain direction.  We even go as far to offer our lives wholly unto Him.  Then the time comes when the Lord asks us to do something a little out of the box.  Why is it then, that we become afraid, or even offended that the Lord would ask such a thing of us?  I mean, we only offered ourselves and our entire lives up for His glory!  Never thought He'd actually cash in on that, huh??
     Whether we chose to obey instantly or whether it takes some time and...convincing, the Lord will have His will done in the end.  In the case of Jonah, it took a little convincing.  I mean, he was SWALLOWED by a FISH!!!  Sometimes in our lives, we feel the same way: trapped, suffocating, like we've hit rock bottom.  But thankfully, our God is the God of second chances!  As we see illustrated in the story of Jonah, we simply have to repent and the Lord will deliver us from the deepest or darkest of places...even the belly of a big, stinky fish!

Praise the Lord!
He's the God of second chances!
You'll be floored how His love your life enhances!
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances!
Our God is a God of second chances!

     How many times each day do you require a second chance?  Maybe you snapped at your husband or wife this morning.  Maybe you cut off a driver for no reason.  Maybe you used harsh words with a co-worker or hurt someone's feelings.  If you are from the same planet as I am, you are a human and you require hundreds and hundreds of "second chances" every day of your life starting from the day you were born. 
     See, if you look around and notice, we are ALL humans, made from the very same parts, feeling the same emotions, and requiring the same forgiveness.  I have so many hurts and betrayals from others in my life that I can't even count them anymore.  The only reassurance I have in this life is a Lord whose love is unfailing and unwavering.  His love for me doesn't depend on how well I sing or whether I have a job or not.  His love for me does not depend on if I mess up 999 times in one day.  His love is a love of second chances.
     So if you only take one thing away today, take this: You are worth everything to Him.  He loves you so much that no matter how many times you deny Him, He will redeem you.
     If you take two things away, take this as well: Not only do we get second chances, but that in turn means that we need to be graceful and merciful and give second chances to those around us.  Humans will always fail you.  But be a reflection of Christ and offer that second chance.  Let me know how you feel after giving forgiveness or mercy to that person!!

Rejoice?

Last night at bible study, I don't think I'm speaking only for myself when I say I was overwhelmed.  Matt Chandler is a passionate teacher, but that's not what brought most of us to tears last night.  It was the resounding word of the Lord.  I'd like to talk in several entries about the many aspects of these few verses.

Matt spoke briefly out of Philippians and mostly out of Romans:

 Romans 11:33-36 "Oh, the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out.  Who has known the mind of the Lord?  Or who has been His counselor?  Who has ever given to God that God should repay them?  For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things.  To Him be the glory forever! Amen." 

Phil 4:4-6 "Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

 When we as Christians have struggles in our lives, we are called by the word of God to rejoice.  You might ask, "Sarai, how in the world does God expect me to 'rejoice' as my loved one is dying?"  Or perhaps, "Am I supposed to 'rejoice' while I can't even afford to feed my family let alone pay my rent every month?"  I would say to you YES.  The word does not say to jump up and down and giggle and be stupidly happy as we struggle each day with our own personal battles.  However, the Lord has called us to a greater purpose: to live our lives transparently before others.

See, God never said our lives would be pieces of cake!  Our paths will have bumps, maybe even hills and mountains in the way.  But through it all, He requires us to be fully devoted to Him.  He asks us to REJOICE.  According to Chandler, rejoicing as I mentioned earlier isn't acting a fool and pretending everything is okay.  True rejoicing at all times is taking a step back, throwing up your hands and saying, "You, Lord, are in control.  You are infinitely wise and wealthy.  I cannot comprehend Your goodness and since every breath I breathe, every beat of my feeble heart is a GIFT from an unending Creator, I TRUST YOU."

In living our Christian lives this way, we open the door to help others as they then struggle with the same issues.  We can come alongside them and encourage them, support them, or even just sit silently beside them.  We will know what WE needed during our time of struggle and we can then offer it to our friends and family as they battle.

30df. Complete, but not.

**Disclaimer: I spilled iced tea on my laptop a few weeks ago. Currently, the y, g, and spacebar keys are not cooperating. Please forgive any missing y, g or spaces.

30df on Facebook

Above is a link that explains a little about the 30df that several people from The Way participated in recently. I didn't blog as much as I should have throughout the journey as I should have; the Lord did a lot of cool things that I want to remember.

The Lord has really begun a cool awakening of sorts in my heart. I've tried lots of times to express some of the stuff in my heart, but I can't think fast enough in conversations, so blogging it is.


Letting go and letting God: Don't we all have trust issues? Totally. I am super insecure in many areas of my life. I like to control everything. I think I get it from my mom (love you mom!). I grew up with a strong mother who took care of everything. I definitely inherited that part of her. I try to be Super Sarai by taking care of cleaning, working overtime, paying the bills, budgeting, cooking, shopping, etc. etc. etc. Being in control of every little thing around me makes me feel like I am showing love to others. However, pretty sure that sometimes others like to be in control of their own stuff! Haha! So during the fast, there were several times when I had literally ZERO control over the situation.

For example: money has been VERY tight/non-existent since I took my current job. At one point, several checks were cashed and there was LITERALLY no money. We all know what that means...Overdraft fees!! 4 to be exact. That's $120 EXTRA that I DIDN'T have that I now had to pay, on top of the cashed checks. I'll be honest. I cracked and I was alone. No friends to go to, no one to tell me it would be okay. I don't think I've ever been so pitiful before.

Then I got mad. I got mad at God for this. I called Him out. In Malachi 3:10-12 it says

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse that there may be food in my house. 'Test me in this' says the Lord 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.'"

Even though it was in anger, I had a legit petition here. He says to test Him. Now, don't misinterpret what I'm saying here. The Lord doesn't want us to only give to Him to then throw it back in His face later or something. This message is for those who are faithful with their tithes, as it says there in verse 10: bring your tithe to the storehouse.

Anyway, I felt biblically justified in blantantly saying, "God. We have been faithful. Now the ball is in Your court." Guess what. I didn't feel better. I cried for another 30 mins or so. It wasn't until I was putting the cat out to use the restroom that it hit me like a ton of bricks. God's voice in my heart. "Let go. Let me. Be at peace." I burst into laughter. Me? Be at peace?? With negative hundreds in the bank???!!! How can you resist the powerful voice of the Lord though? I felt sooooo overwhelmed. I wanted to argue. I wanted to resist. Psh. You can't resist God's love. I had to get in bed after that to process what had just happened. I fell asleep with my brain, which knew there was NO PHYSICAL WAY to solve this, telling me to stress and my heart, which knew that God was bigger than a few hundred dollars, telling me to rest while He dealt with it.

As I was getting ready for work the next morning, I checked the bank one last time to see the damage when I burst into laughter then tears.

There wasn't a negative balance anymore. Because our TAX REFUND was deposited a DAY EARLY. Really? Since when does the government give out money a day early?? I don't know. But the Lord had my back. He gave me His word that He would work it out and He did.

How can you not trust a God that carries you like that? When you think you're all alone. That no one gets you. I've got news for you. The creator of the UNIVERSE cares for you. He cares about your finances. He cares about your job. He cares about your marriage. He cares about your health. He cares about what's in your fridge. He cares about your transportation. He cares about what you care about.

He. Cares. For. You.

30df Day 700

Just kidding. It hasn't really been 700 days. I'm pretty sure it feels like it has been though. Soooooooo many things (both crazy good and just crazy) have been happening. I'll have to go back through my fasting list to update on those things.

Tonight, I just want to throw out some questions I've been pondering. I'm using the term "sin" to mean just about anything such as a lifestyle, habit, or issue in our lives.

Why are some "sins" okay to people and some aren't?

Why is it that when someone's "sins" are "exposed," we totally betray our Christian values and disown people and judge them harshly?

Why is the church a place where only "members" or saved people feel welcome? Isn't it supposed to be like a hospital where we draw the "sick" and offer a Father who "heals?"

Why are Christians judged so much? Do we ignore the judgments and just live our lives "offending" people? Or do we cut out all offensive things in order to draw these people to the Lord?

What about missionary work? What if I want to surround myself with "unbelievers" in order to get to know them as friends and maybe even *GASP* hang out with them!!

I have a lot more but I think this is enough for tonight. I'd LOVE to hear some opinions backed up with verses from the Bible or life experiences. Again. Not here to offend. Just learn <3

30DF Day 1

I'm torn about blogging about the 30DF fast. I believe (and the Bible says) it is supposed to be done basically in secret. But. Since most of our church is participating, and since this fast is very different and challenging in a different way, I feel a blog to share what the Lord is doing in my heart is not against the rules.

Yesterday was DAY ONE of The Way's 30DF. Basically we are committing to fast for 30 days from various things. I thought this was really cool from the first time I heard about it. This morning, not so much. You see, the various things we are fasting from are conveniences in our lives from transportation, vanity, internet all the way to your bed, running water and speaking!

Last night's fast was fasting from comfort = your bed.

A typical bed for some of the poor in our world might be a thin piece of foam or simply a light blanket on a hard floor or dirt ground. Millions of children grow up...never knowing the comfort of a soft bed...Many will cry out to God as their Comforter and place of refuge...Choose to sleep on the floor, beside your bed, just for tonight. Practice finding your comfort in the shelter of God's arms.

Let's be honest. I hated it. But this isn't about me or the killer bags under my eyes. Lord, what are You trying to show me by having me sleep on the floor? I still don't know. But as I fast today from transportation, please reveal to me in Your time the things you want me to see and know. Amen.

Why You So Obsessed With Me?

**Disclaimer: The following blog has been approved by a SICK TWF Grammar Team. Which means it basically hasn't been proof-read. Gimme a break, I've been sick for a month!***

Just some lyrics from a song that describe the topic of this blog. As you all know, I recently joined Bakersfield Loser sponsored by Body Xchange---mine and Tina's gym. I just felt like it was time to come clean with some issues I was having a few weeks ago. My personal blog, versus our combined journey blog, seemed a better place to do that.

I am only sharing this because a few of you were the ones who helped me get over this hump: when you are dieting, it is SO easy to get obsessed. I was literally OBSESSING about every little thing I ate. I even got to the point where I would convince myself to NOT eat or to eat VERY little at dinner time.

Anyway, in our last Beth Moore bible study we did with the ladies at church, my sister had us write a few things that stuck out to us at the bible study. I just happened to find my card in the midst of that tough time (which I think MAY have been my sister's idea all along?)


First of all, this card was written sort of during the beginning times of my gym days: last November. It didn't even come into play in my life until now, 3 months later. That just really encourages me because some things that we do NOW, we won't see the fruit for months, maybe even years.

Next, I want to share with you the passage from the study that talks about "self-control" of the mouth. One passage is about controlling what comes out of your mouth: gossip, insults, rude words. The other? What goes IN your mouth:

" ¹²"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. ¹³"Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both." It is no accident that the subject of physical appetite is immediately followed by the exhortation to let nothing master us. Many Americans--bone thin to morbidly obese--are mastered by food"

Ack! Just typing this is bringing tears to my eyes. So. Not that I was morbidly obese before, but we can all admit that Sarai has always been on the "chunky" side, especially over the last 5 years. But reading this was like Beth was looking at me saying, "Sarai! Get ahold of yourself! God has called you to bigger and better things and letting food make or break you day is not in His plan for you!!"

In the video series, Beth talked with some women about being "content" at your weight. Obviously, obesity or over-weightness is not healthy and not a place where we are called to be "content." But, if we are eating SENSIBLY and exercising (maybe not twice a day like Kristina and I are right now, but at least 3-4 times a week), then the Lord asks us as women to NOT compare ourselves to other women who are size 2 or size 4, but to look in the mirror and see OURSELVES as gorgeous, healthy, CONTENT women who are happy to be the size they are. That is why I wrote, "Be free, not obsessed with weight."

This ties in with my "rough week" because I was no longer living in His freedom. I was CRYING everytime I went to eat, thinking to myself, "This has 300 calories! How am I going to burn this off, plus the 300 I ate earlier??" And that was barely at 11am! Like I said, I was convincing myself out of dinner DAILY.

Next on my card, (skip the middle part about Hanukkah...I can't remember why I wrote that! I'll have to go back to my study heehee) I wrote a little arrow. On one end is "Neglect," on the other end is "Obsession," and in the middle is "Respect." Basically, to me, this has to do with food. You have 3 options every day when you wake up. You can either neglect your God-given needs of a basic healthy caloric intake every day (which I would catogorize as: Obsession), you can over-do it with junk food and other unhealthy things (which I would say is Neglect), or you can choose to respect your body and your God and do what is healthy for yourself.

Isn't it crazy how the Lord speaks directly to ANY issue we have in our lives? I never thought I'd get encouragement about my WEIGHT from the Bible!

I think my main purpose in sharing all this is that I, yes I, went through a time where I realized how easy it is to have an eating disorder. I am by no means belittling those of you who have maybe dealt with this. In fact, I am saying I understand what that stuff can do to you! (And obviously, not ENCOURAGING it by ANY means). The Lord says in His word: "DON'T LET ANYTHING MASTER YOU." A few weeks ago, I was letting my weight and food master my life. The enemy will use ANYTHING HE CAN to destroy you. Don't let him. Be victorious!

<3 "Still overweight, but working on it, but I'm finally CONTENT" Sarai